***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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