just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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