Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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