Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
