Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
