I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Randomize
