i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
