I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
