I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Oh god it's open bar.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
