Acid is not a monday night drug
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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