All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
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