She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
