chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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