Need sex. Gaining weight.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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