Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just want to make out with him forever
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
