First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
