i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
