Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
