I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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