Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
