did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
