Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
