Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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