You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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