the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
