remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize