Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
