I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
