So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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