I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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