I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
