I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
