i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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