hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I love having hate sex.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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