She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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