I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
