I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
