come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
