I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize