i wish my penis had a tongue
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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