i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize