my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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