i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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