I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
