The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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