You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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