i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I did not marry a roomba.
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