Your dad touched me again.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I want her autograph on my taint
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
