I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
