i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
