Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
