Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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