My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
