phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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