I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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