why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
