Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do vagina's smell?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
