Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
