I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
