If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
