He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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