I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
