Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
We are all done wearing pants today
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
