i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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